The Book of Ancient Bastards Read online

  THE BOOK OF

  Ancient

  BASTARDS

  101 OF THE

  WORST

  * * *

  Miscreants

  and Misdeeds

  * * *

  FROM ANCIENT SUMER

  TO THE ENLIGHTENMENT

  * * *

  BRIAN THORNTON

  For Robyn

  Copyright © 2011 by Brian Thornton

  All rights reserved.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

  Published by

  Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

  57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

  www.adamsmedia.com

  ISBN 10: 1-4405-2488-2

  ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2488-2

  eISBN 10: 1-4405-2557-9

  eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2557-5

  Printed in the United States of America.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Thornton, Brian

  The book of ancient bastards / Brian Thornton.

  p. cm.

  Includes index.

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-2488-2

  ISBN-10: 1-4405-2488-2

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-2557-5 (electronic)

  ISBN-10: 1-4405-2557-9 (electronic)

  1. History, Ancient—Miscellanea. 2. Biography—Miscellanea. 3. Good and evil—History—Miscellanea. 4. Scandals—History—Miscellanea. I. Title.

  D62.T47 2011

  920.02—dc22

  2011006235

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

  —From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

  Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

  This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

  For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I’ve said before that the creation of a book is a collaborative effort. Such was definitely the case with The Book of Ancient Bastards. Paula Munier, Director of Innovation at Adams Media, believed in the project from the moment I brought it to her, and supported me every step of the way. My agent Gina Panettieri helped get me a deal and made it a better one. Development Editor Jennifer Lawler was a true professional and the embodiment of “grace under pressure.” Thank you all.

  And thanks to colleagues like author Jeri Westerson, who helped with the selection of bastards who occupy the medieval section of the book, and author/editor Heather B. Moore, for her help with the research on King Solomon. Your efforts helped make the book better, and for that, I am deeply grateful.

  Lastly and most importantly, thanks to my family: my parents Hal and Berniece, and my brother Paul, for all of their support. And thanks most especially to my wife Robyn. Once again this book is dedicated to you.

  CONTENTS

  INTRODUCTION:

  1. SARGON OF AKKAD:

  Just Like Moses, Only Bloodier, and Not Egyptian (reigned 2334–2279 B.C.)

  2. HAMMURABI THE LAW GIVER

  Sometimes Your Really Don’t Want to Lick the Spoon (reigned 1792–1750 B.C.)

  3. AKHENATON:

  Or How to Get Your Own People to Destroy Every Trace of You After You’re Gone (reigned ca. 1351–1334 B.C.)

  4. RAMESSES II:

  Or How to Make It Impossible for Your Own People to Forget You After You’re Gone (reigned 1279–1213 B.C.)

  5. SENNACHERIB, KING OF ASSYRIA:

  If You Can’t Conquer Jerusalem, at Least Brag about All the Little Towns You Destroyed (reigned 705–681 B.C.)

  6. KING SOLOMON:

  All Those Women, All Those Gods, All That Trouble (ca. 1011–931 B.C.)

  7. NABONIDUS:

  The Last King of Babylon and His Army of Gods (reigned 556–539 B.C.)

  8. DARIUS I, GREAT KING OF PERSIA:

  Will the Real Usurper Please Stand Up? (ca. 550–486 B.C.)

  9. POLYCRATES, TYRANT OF SAMOS:

  Never Arm Your Enemies (reigned ca. 538–522 B.C.)

  10. HIPPIAS, TYRANT OF ATHENS:

  Just Because You’re a Paranoid Tyrant Doesn’t Mean Someone Isn’t Out to Get You (reigned 527–510 B.C.)

  11. ARISTAGORAS, TYRANT OF MILETUS:

  Better a Live Rebel Than a Dead Royal Governor (?–497 B.C.)

  12. ALCIBIADES OF ATHENS:

  Opportunism, Anyone? (ca. 450–404 B.C.)

  13. CRITIAS, LEADER OF THE THIRTY ATHENIAN TYRANTS:

  Putting the Terror into Tyranny (460–403 B.C.)

  14. DIONYSIUS I, TYRANT OF SYRACUSE:

  When Philosophers and Tyrants Don’t Mix (ca. 432–367 B.C.)

  15. PHILIP II OF MACEDONIA:

  Sometimes the Bastard Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree (382–336 B.C.)

  16. ALEXANDER THE GREAT:

  Bastard as Exemplar for an Age (356–323 B.C.)

  17. OLYMPIAS, QUEEN OF MACEDONIA:

  Sometimes the Bastard Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree, Redux (ca. 375–316 B.C.)

  18. PTOLEMY I SOTER:

  Sage Old Bastard Who Died in His Bed (ca. 367–ca. 283 B.C.)

  19. PTOLEMY KERAUNOS:

  The Guy Who Made Oedipus Look Like a Boy Scout (?–279 B.C.)

  20. ANTIOCHUS IV EPIPHANES:

  Why We “Draw the Line” (ca. 215–164 B.C.)

  21. PTOLEMY VIII EURGETES:

  What Your Subjects Call You Behind Your Back Is a Lot More Important Than What They Call You to Your Face (ca. 182–116 B.C.)

  22. CLEOPATRA THEA:

  Poisonous Evil Queen or Just Misunderstood? (ca. 164–121 B.C.)

  23. MITHRIDATES VI OF PONTUS:

  Gold-Plated Bastard (134–63 B.C.)

  24. CLEOPATRA VII, QUEEN OF EGYPT:

  Yes, That Cleopatra (69–30 B.C.)

  25. LUCIUS TARQUINIUS SUPERBUS, KING OF ROME:

  That’s Superbus, Not Superb (reigned 535–509 B.C.)

  26. HANNIBAL OF CARTHAGE:

  Elephants and Siege Engines Just the Tip of the Iceberg (248–182 B.C.)

  27. GAIUS MARIUS:

  The Man Who Killed the Roman Republic (157–86 B.C.)

  28. LUCIUS CORNELIUS SULLA FELIX:

  With Friends Like These . . . . (ca. 138–78 B.C.)

  29. CATILINE AND HIS CONSPIRACY:

  A Confederacy of Dunces? (108–62 B.C.)

  30. LUCIUS CORNELIUS CINNA:

  Lies and the Lying Liar Who Told Them (?–84 B.C.)

  31. PUBLIUS CORNELIUS CETHEGUS:

  When You Sleep with Someone, You’re Sleeping with Everyone They Slept with, Too (fl. first century B.C.)

  32. PUBLIUS CLODIUS PULCHER:

  With Friends Like These, Redux (93–53 B.C.)

  33. MARCUS LICINIUS CRASSUS DIVES:

  How Rich Is Rich Enough? (ca. 115–53 B.C.)

  34. GNAEUS POMPEIUS MAGNUS:

  If You’re Going to be the “New Alexander,” Better Prepare for a Messy End (106–48 B.C.)

  35. MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO:


  No Fool Like an Old Fool (106–43 B.C.)

  36. GAIUS (LICINIUS?) VERRES:

  One Man’s Thief Is Another Man’s Art Connoisseur (ca. 114–43 B.C.)

  37. GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR:

  The Gold Standard of Bastardry (ca. 100–44 B.C.)

  38. MARCUS PORCIUS CATO UTICENSIS:

  The Bastard as Tiresome, Humorless Scold (95–46 B.C.)

  39. MARCUS JUNIUS BRUTUS:

  The Noblest Roman Tax Farmer of Them All (85–42 B.C.)

  40. GAIUS CASSIUS LONGINUS:

  “Lean and Hungry” Bastard (ca. 85–42 B.C.)

  41. MARCUS ANTONIUS:

  Dandy, Playboy, Ruthless Bastard (ca. 86–30 B.C.)

  42. GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR OCTAVIANUS (AUGUSTUS):

  Sage Old Bastard Who Died in Bed, Redux (63 B.C.– A.D. 14)

  43. LIVIA DRUSILLA:

  Stage Mother for an Empire (58 B.C.– A.D. 29)

  44. TIBERIUS CAESAR AUGUSTUS:

  Bastard as the Grumpy Old Man Who Lives on Your Street (42 B.C.– A.D. 37)

  45. LUCIUS AELIUS SEJANUS:

  Clearing the Way for a Monster (20 B.C.– A.D. 31)

  46. CALIGULA:

  You Call That Nag a Roman Consul? (A.D. 12–41)

  47. CLAUDIUS:

  When Is a Consul Like a Stone? (10 B.C.–A.D. 54)

  48. NERO:

  Actor, Singer, Poet, Athlete, Matricidal Mamma’s Boy (A.D. 37–68) . .114

  49. SERVIUS SULPICIUS GALBA:

  How Being Too Cheap to Pay Off Your Promised Bribes Can Be a Bad Idea (3 B.C.– A.D. 68)

  50. MARCUS SALVIUS OTHO:

  The Emperor as Scheming Pretty Boy (A.D. 32–69)

  51. AULUS VITELLIUS:

  The Fat Bastard Who Tried to Sell His Throne (A.D. 12–69)

  52. DOMITIAN:

  No Bald Jokes! (?–84 B.C.)

  53. COMMODUS:

  The Emperor as Hercules (A.D. 161–192)

  54. DIDIUS JULIANUS:

  The Man Who Bought the Roman Empire (A.D. 133–193)

  55. SEPTIMIUS SEVERUS:

  The Emperor Who Gave Us the Word “Severe” (A.D. 145–211)

  56. CARACALLA:

  Don’t Drop Your Guard Along with Your Trousers (A.D. 188–217)

  57. ELAGABALUS:

  The Emperor and His Big Stone God (A.D. 203–222)

  58. CARINUS:

  How Screwing Your Employees’ Wives Can Cost Ya! (ca. A.D. 250–285)

  59. DIOCLETIAN:

  The Best Place to Be Standing When Lightning Strikes Your Boss (A.D. 245–311)

  60. CONSTANTINE THE GREAT:

  The Next Best Thing to Being God (A.D. 272–337)

  61. CONSTANTIUS II:

  The Emperor as Paranoid Plodder (A.D. 317–361)

  62. JUSTINIAN I:

  When Nike Is More Than Just the Name of a Shoe (A.D. 483–565)

  63. CHARLEMAGNE:

  Literal Bastard, Figurative Bastard (A.D. 742–814)

  64. EMPRESS IRENE OF BYZANTIUM:

  Sometimes a Boy’s Best Friend Is His Mother. This Isn’t One of Those Times (ca. A.D. 752–803)

  65. POPE STEPHEN VI:

  Even Death Can’t Stop Justice (A.D. ?–897)

  66. BASIL I “THE MACEDONIAN” OF BYZANTIUM:

  Why Trusting Your Life to an Assassin Probably Isn’t a Good Idea (ca. A.D. 830–886)

  67. BASIL II OF BYZANTIUM:

  What It Takes to Earn the Title of “Bulgar Slayer” (A.D. 958–1025)

  68. EADWIG OF ENGLAND:

  Screwing His Kingdom Away (A.D. 941?–949)

  69. POPE BENEDICT IX:

  The Man Who Sold the Papacy (ca. A.D. 1012–ca. 1056)

  70. WILLIAM I THE CONQUEROR:

  Sounds Better Than “William the Bastard” (ca. A.D. 1028–1087)

  71. ODO OF BAYEUX:

  When Your Vows Forbid You to Shed Blood, Use a Big, Heavy Club Instead (ca. A.D. 1030–1097)

  72. HENRY IV OF GERMANY:

  How Much Penance Can One King Do? (A.D. 1050–1106)

  73. WILLIAM II OF ENGLAND:

  Red-Headed Bachelor Bastard (ca. A.D. 1056–1100)

  74. ENRICO DANDOLO OF VENICE:

  The Man Who Hijacked the Fourth Crusade (A.D. 1107?–1205):

  75. HENRY II OF ENGLAND:

  Putting the “Devil” Into “Devil’s Brood” (A.D. 1133–1189)

  76. ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE:

  Brood Mare to the Devil’s Brood (A.D. 1122–1204)

  77. HENRY THE YOUNG KING OF ENGLAND:

  Who Wants to Rule When There’s Jousting to Be Done? (A.D. 1155–1183)

  78. RICHARD I THE LION-HEARTED:

  A Talent for War (A.D. 1157–1199)

  79. POPE INNOCENT III:

  Don’t Let the Name Fool Ya (ca. A.D. 1160–1216)

  80. GEOFFREY II OF BRITTANY:

  “That Son of Perdition” (A.D. 1158–1186)

  81. JOHN I OF ENGLAND:

  Short, Miserly, and Mean (A.D. 1167–1216)

  82. PHILIP II AUGUSTUS OF FRANCE:

  Cowardly, Duplicitous, and Effective (A.D. 1165–1223)

  83. OTTO IV OF GERMANY:

  Stupid Is as Stupid Does (A.D. 1165–1223)

  84. HENRY III OF ENGLAND:

  A Saintly King with Locusts for Relatives (A.D. 1207–1272)

  85. EDWARD I OF ENGLAND:

  When the Only Tool You Have Is a Hammer, Use It on the Scots (A.D. 1239–1307)

  86. PHILIP IV THE FAIR OF FRANCE:

  Don’t Let the Name Fool Ya, Redux (A.D. 1268–1314)

  87. POPE CLEMENT V:

  The Man Who Hijacked the Papacy (A.D. 1264–1314)

  88. KING EDWARD II OF ENGLAND:

  Giving Away the Kingdom to His Boyfriends (A.D. 1284–1327)

  89. ROGER MORTIMER, EARL OF MARCH:

  Screwing the Queen Doesn’t Make You King (A.D. 1287–1330)

  90. PEDRO THE CRUEL OF CASTILE:

  The Nickname Says It All (A.D. 1334–1369)

  91. BERNABÒ VISCONTI, LORD OF MILAN:

  Why Let Brotherhood Stand in the Way of Your Territorial Ambitions? (A.D. 1323–1385)

  92. CHARLES THE BAD, KING OF NAVARRE:

  The Nickname Says It All, Redux (A.D. 1332–1387)

  93. POPE URBAN VI:

  Crazy Like a Pope (ca. A.D. 1318–1389)

  94. HENRY IV OF ENGLAND:

  Why You Should Be Nice to Your Relatives (A.D. 1366–1413)

  95. HENRY V OF ENGLAND:

  Don’t Let That Frat-Boy Act Fool Ya (A.D. 1387–1422)

  96. TOMAS DE TORQUEMADA:

  Grand Inquisitor, Closet Jew (A.D. 1420–1498)

  97. LOUIS XI OF FRANCE:

  The Spider King (A.D. 1423–1483)

  98. POPE ALEXANDER VI:

  Chastity, Schmastity, I’m the Pope and My Son’s Gonna Be a Cardinal (A.D. 1431–1503)

  99. RICHARD III OF ENGLAND:

  Hunchback? No. Child-Killer? Probably (A.D. 1452–1485)

  100. HENRY VII OF ENGLAND:

  The Cheap Bastard’s Guide to Solidifying Your Hold on Power (A.D. 1457–1509)

  101. HENRY VIII OF ENGLAND:

  Where to Begin? (A.D. 1491–1547)

  Index

  Introduction

  When I wrote the original Book of Bastards, I pointed out the fact that no one is all good or all bad, that even Hitler loved kids and dogs, and that many truly “Great Men” of history had a touch of the bastard in them. As with American history (the subject area of the original book), so with the ancient world.

  In fact, the ancient Greeks, who gave us such words as “history” and such notions as “democracy,” also gave us the concept of the “hero.” But where the modern interpretation of what makes a hero includes being on the good side of a given moral question, the original Greek concept of what makes a hero contains no such moral judgment.

  For the Greeks, a willingness to risk and an impulse toward greatness was the major portion of what constit
uted a hero (that and of course the doing of great deeds, slaying of monsters, etc.). Such character traits can be found in spades among the ancient bastards in this book.

  And while reptilian monsters such as Ptolemy VIII (a parricide who killed his own son, had him dismembered, and then shipped to his mother as a present) abound within these pages, there are, as was the case with the original Book of Bastards, plenty “Great Men” who showed plenty of innate bastardry in addition to (sometimes in support of) the great things they did in order to make names for themselves.

  Perhaps that’s part of the appeal. As I’ve written before, perhaps our own inner bastards respond to learning about the bastardry (usually on an epic scale) of those gone before. Because who doesn’t love a good scoundrel and the scandals that attend them?

  Either way, these are stories that we continue to tell hundreds, even thousands of years after those involved returned to the dust that spawned them. Say what you will about historical bastards—they’ve certainly got staying power!

  1

  SARGON OF AKKAD

  Just Like Moses, Only Bloodier,

  and Not Egyptian

  (REIGNED 2334–2279 B.C.)

  But because of the evil which [Sargon] had committed, the great lord Marduk [personal god of the city of Babylon] was angry, and he destroyed his people by famine. From the rising of the sun unto the setting of the sun they opposed him and gave him no rest.

  —The Chronicle of Early Kings

  Imagine what it takes to forge a collection of petty, warring city-states into a unified, multiethnic empire. In a word: “bastardry”! Not necessarily out-and-out evil, but definitely bastardry.

  Empire-builders down through the ages have been veritable poster children for the notion of “bastardry”: Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, Napoleon, Hitler—the list is long. But who set the first example that so many conquerors have followed?

  Ladies and gentlemen, meet Sargon of Akkad, the first bastard (but hardly the last) to build an empire through conquest.

  Everything we know about Sargon screams “tough guy”: his rise from humble origins to serve as cupbearer to the king of the city of Kish (a job not as effete as it might sound; it was an influential post in the ancient Near East); how that king grew to fear him and his popularity, so sent him to the court of a neighboring king in Uruk, asking that king to kill him, only to have Sargon overthrow the king of Uruk, turn around and go home to conquer Kish, and by extension, the rest of Sumer, Mesopotamia, and the Fertile Crescent all the way to the Mediterranean Sea. You don’t get these sorts of things done without having a bit of the bastard in you.